BABEL

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TOWER OF BABEL BIBLE COLLEGE
Application Form

1. Name and Address (if known)

2. Age. If under 30, enclose photo for college newsletter. If over 30, we will use photos supplied by Rentamug Model Agency. Please state if you prefer to appear - (a) distinguished and balding; (b) grandmotherly.

3. Financial Resources. Please enclose bank statements, PIN numbers, share certificates, deeds, etc. as evidence of your good faith, together with three samples of your signature on the lower part of separate sheets of paper. The college can take no responsibility for their safety.

4. Health. Enclose medical certificate. If severe health problems exist, phone the Registrar (collect) for pre-printed Will form.

5. Spirituality. Are you (a) lukewarm; (b) earnest; (c) totally dedicated. If you answer (c) we will enrol you in our Lifetime of Poverty course and send you the contract by return. Your signature must be witnessed by a JP.

6. Testimony. This is for our newsletter. As most college students have lived regrettably bland lives, we now suggest you treat the testimony as a form of short story. Therefore please choose from the following topics: (a) I Was A Pre-School Pimp; (b) Drug Dealer's Dramatic Decision; (c) Mass Murderer Sees The Light. Use your own name for the main character and beef it up a bit - our prayer partners appreciate a bit of realism in the stories. Minimum of 1500 words.

7. Church Background. State denomination, years of membership. Office held (giving out hymnbooks does not count). Minister's name and phone number. If you would rather we did not contact him, her or them, please add 50% to the fees.

8. Doctrinal emphasis. (No discrimination is practised, but we curb any barrow-pushing tendencies.) British Israelite? (State which of the Ten Lost Tribes you come from.) Seventh Day Adventist? (You may be required to do a quick trip across the date-line to synchronise you with the other students.) Dispensationalist? (State if indispensable or merely disposable.)Tribulation, Millennium and Rapture; pre-, post- and a-? (Did you know there are 27 possible permutations for this one? So your chances of getting it right are pretty slim. We aren't so much bothered about which one you are, as needing to know if you lose your temper with the majority who see things differently from you.) Fundamentalist? (State which version of the Bible you believe from cover to cover. Is the leather binding genuine? Is the binding binding or merely legal? Did Jonah swallow the whale? If so, where did Cain get his wife from?) Pentecostal? (State variety: mild, raving, demon-chasing, etc.) Liturgical? (Incense plays havoc with the Principal's hay fever; will you settle for a splash of holy water now and then?)

9. Dependants. State name, sex, ages and number of (a) spouses; (b) children; (c) elderly relatives. Would they be willing to assist in our Deeds Not Words Community Outreach - at present the vision is to build the Principal's new house on land graciously bequeathed by a former student who tragically passed away shortly after making his Will.

10. Personal Details. These are regarded as STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL. Please supply ten copies of your reply to this question to our records clerk, old Mother Harridan and her team of precious voluntary lady helpers from St. Tibia's sewing circle who will make every detail of your problems a matter for special prayer whenever they meet.

TOWER OF BABEL BIBLE COLLEGE
Our motto: Shall we sin that grace may abound? Shall we ever!

Sample Examination Paper - Strictly Copyright

Section One (for all students):

1. Name the first book of the Bible; is it (a) Genesis; (b) War and Peace; (c) Enid Blyton's Noddy in Toyland

2. Name a descendent of Adam. If living, state address and phone number.

3. Who built Noah's Ark?

Section Two (intermediate students):

1. Spell Nebuchadnezzar.

2. Describe the Reformation in (a) your own words; (b) somebody else's words; (c) neither. (Yes or no will do for this question.)

3. Write an essay on Why My Denomination is Best. Marks will be deducted for giggling. Candidates may change denominations after ten minutes if the find they have backed a loser.

4. Fill in the blanks from the list below: Let all ... be ... decently and in ... (Things; done; order; chip; fried; lard.)

Section three (advanced students only):

1. Draw a picture of Martin Luther and Billy Graham. Colour it in.

2. Write a sermon on Giving. Preach it. How much did you get?

3. Mormons are wrong, right? Stop a couple as they cycle past, argue, and convince them of their errors. (No marks for converting only one.)

4. Invent a new religion. (Note: conservationists insist that any human sacrifices should be volunteers.)

5. Prove (a) the Prime Minister's name adds up to 666; (b) the End of the World will be on Mother's Day; (c) only Baptists are in the 144,000. (Pocket calculators may be used.)

TIME TABLE

5.00a.m. Bell to arouse students.

5.00 - 6.00 Cold showers, private devotions, quiet times, pre-class jogging,

6.00 - 6.05 Chapel Hour. (Our dear Principal)

6.05 - 6.15 Breakfast, roll-call.

6.15 - 6.30 In-depth Church History lecture.

6.30 - 7.00 Discussion Time. Students will prepare lists of personal problems and grievances against other students. Staff shortcomings may not be mentioned.

7.00 - 12.00 Christianity in Action. Students will work in college vege garden, serve in college nearly-new shop, prepare college lunch and build the Principal's new Memorial College Wing. This course qualifies for the Missionary Skills diploma.

12.00 - 12.15 Lunch, roll-call.

12.15 - 12.25 Mail Hour. Students may read their incoming mail and compose any suitable replies. All outgoing mail to be place unsealed on the secretary's desk for the prayerful consideration of staff.

12.25 - 5.00 Good News Outreach. Practical door-to-door evangelism. Students will take their Live in Hope suitcases of cosmetics, patent laxatives, all-purpose brushes and glossy novels to the needy, sin-burdened suburban housewives. If a sale is made, they may offer a kind word or a tract. All proceeds go to defray the cost of setting up this grand faith venture, due to the zeal of our dear Principal in co-operation with Amway, Avon, Rawleighs, Bon Brush and Grolier Enterprises, bless them!

5.00 - 5.30 Meal preparation (volunteers for this, please, otherwise go without).

5.30 - 5.45 Dinner Hour, roll-call.

5.45 - 9.45 Lectures, led by Brethren from local Assemblies. Topics: exposition, echatology, hermeneutics, apologetics, polemics, exegesis, linguistic analysis and the identification of palimpsests.

9.45 - 9.50 Epilogue Hour. (Our dear Principal)

9.50 - 10.00 Supper. Students whose food parcels are delayed should share with others.

10.00 Lights out.

10.00p.m. - 5.00a.m. Free Time. Options include: night of prayer and fasting; social awareness (video); outreach to the lost at nearby rages, twenty-firsts, etc.

NEWS FROM OUR OLD STUDENTS

All graduating students are required to sign an undertaking to supply an up-to-date contact address and to write at three-monthly intervals. In return, they receive regular copies of the college news-letter, a supply of Faith Pledges and our written assurance that their whereabouts will not be divulged to any government agencies as long as donations are promptly forthcoming.

SAM GOOBERMAN: Student of the Year throughout all his stay in college, Sam was an inspiration by his humility, spirituality and deep dedication to his studies. To bad one of you girls didn't land him as a husband, but even a great all-rounder like Sam has to have the odd blind spot. Sam writes to us:

Hi to all you Babel Bible-ites down in li'l ole Noo Zealand. I guess I should jess take time out to write 'n' thank each and every one of yew for those great years at yore swell li'l ole college. I guess I wondered how you-all would receive me when I fust en-rolled. Shucks-to-Betsy, I needn't have worried. The fact that my pappy is pastor of the Blessed City of Light, the fastest-growing church in the state, not to say the richest, and the fact that ma has a li'l ole string of oil wells due to a settlement made by one of her previous husbands, why, none of that made any diff'rence to the way I wuz received by you-all. Ahm sure that any other stoodent would have been excused lectures and exams if they'd found the going kinda rough, jes like I did. Efter orl, it's what's in the hey-art, not in the hey-ad that counts, as yore fabulous Principal used to say - only he said it in that cute little unintelligible Noo Zealand accent that you-all have. Guess you need to watch more good ole US of A tv and catch up with the rest of the world, huh? Hey, afore I sign off, I'd like for to have all you great folks come 'n' mosey over to the ranch this fall for a little vay-cation. We c'n have a fine ole clambake an' a real foot-stompin' hoe-down. I'll come 'n' pick you-all up in mah very own private Lear Executive jet which pappy done give me for mah bruthday. Regretfully, seeing as Ah always travel with a val-et an' stooards an' secretaries to look after the de-tails, that'll only leave room for your amazing Principal and his glorious wife. But you'll be in our thoughts, you can bet your sweet life. Once again, thanks a million for teaching me that wealth ain't everything. Ahm going tew remember that when Ah take over the Blessed City of Light Church, the shrine of the divine dollar. Bless you real good, huh. Sam Gooberman IV

SID GRUNGE: No, Sid, we haven't forgotten you either. Conventions aren't the same without you to move the chairs and sweep the floors. You had a real ministry there. Glad to hear how the Cape Reinga scrub-cutting programme is going. My word, you make us city types feel ashamed at our puny efforts, really you do! And we look forward to the sack of kina and pipis you've asked your cousin to drop in next time he shoots through to visit the rest of the family in Mt. Eden. Keep in touch, Sid and keep on sending the fifty cents each week - you must be nearly half-way through paying those college fees now, eh?

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