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It's Not What You Know

by George and Eileen Anderson

Success in life all boils down to just a few short rules.
It's clever folk who follow them; the rest are simply fools.
For instance, ev'ry business man, they'll each one say the same:
It's not what you know, but who you know that helps you win the game.

...Which calls to mind a dream I had, where I'd been and gone and died,
And there I stood at the pearly gates, somewhere on the Other Side.
So, bold as brass I spoke right up: 'St. Peter, here I am!'
'Not so fast,' said he, 'We'll have to see how you fare in the exam.'
He sat me down at a little desk and showed me what to do,
While a horrible smell that came straight from Hell meant Old Nick was watching, too.
There was page after page of these questions; I could see the test would be tough.
'Ev'ry question has to be answered; just a tick here and there's not enough.'

Are you: Baptist, Methodist, Anglican or Cath'lic; Penty, Evangelical, Fundamentalist or what?

Cooneyite or Branhamite, Rechabite or Jebusite? Lapsed Christadelphian and...
(whoops! I'd made a blot.)

Are you: Arminian or Calvinist; pre- or post-millennialist; pre-trib, mid-trib,
or p'raps no trib at all?

Where did Cain get his wife from? What was the Leviathan?
And do you think that Eve had any kids before the Fall?

Do you call it Mass or Eucharist; Lord's Supper or Communion?
May the wine be alcoholic? Can the bread be baked with yeast?

List the Ten Commandments; underline the ones you've broken.
Beatitudes aren't platitudes. Explain each Jewish Feast.

Let's have a brief incursion into ev'ry Bible version.
Is it Hebrew, Greek or Latin, or Elizabethan that you use?

There's Moffat, Taylor, Darby; Phillips, Knox and old King Jimmy;
plus NAV and RSV; which one best fits your views?

I struggled on for hours, it seemed, and answered ev'ry one,
Then gave the papers to St. Pete to see how I had done.
St. Peter and the Devil stood there adding up the score
And ev'ry answer I'd got wrong - I could've sunk right through the floor.
St. Peter tugged hard at his beard; the old bloke looked quite glum,
While Satan grinned and jabbed his sharpened pitchfork in my ... back.

'I'm really very sorry,' said St. Peter with a frown,
'You've failed the test; you can't get in; you'll have to go straight down.'
He turned away with no more to say. I was bathed in perspiration.
But as Old Nick came near, despite my fear, I'd a flash of inspiration.
Quick as a wink those papers I grabbed, and ripped them up like so,
'Cause I'd just remembered the cardinal rule: 'it isn't what you know...'
Then I yelled, at the top of my voice, and it cut like a two-edged sword,
And the papers burned up and the Devil fell back as I shouted one word: 'Lord!'
With never a pause, His voice rang out; the pearly gates swung open wide,
While I took to my heels and didn't stop, till I was safe and sound inside.

Now, as real as it seemed, it was something I dreamed, like you dream things ev'ry night.
But it's worth you heeding the warning, though you've got ev'ry last doctrine right.
So whether you're clever or just plain dumb, take a bit of advice from a friend:
It's not what you know, but who you know that settles your fate in the end.

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